


I've always been there for you...

by ArminKirschtien



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Gore, No Happy Ending Fest, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:13:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24976654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArminKirschtien/pseuds/ArminKirschtien
Summary: Armin's time is coming to an end, and he still has so much he wants to do, so much he wants to explore- but with limited time a and resources, he picks the one thing he knows he wants to do before he dies.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	I've always been there for you...

"Are you ever scared of your lack of time, Ar?"

The sudden and quite invasive question caught Armin off guard, setting his cup of coffee down onto the saucer he had to match his cup. Turning to look at Jean, Armin took in a soft breath. 

Of course he was scared… but he felt no need to actually tell Jean he was scared, he wouldn't understand.

  
  


"Scared wouldn't be the word I would use… I would more or less say I'm dreading it deeply, I have so much to say, so much I want to do- yet I know it can never be done for someone like me." The blonde ran his pointer finger over the rim of his cup, his mind flooding with the sudden wave of reality. He had only so little time left, his time was coming up soon, so soon he's sure it can't be more than a few days. He feels his joints ache, his hair falls out easier, his appetite has been next to diminished. The only thing he really drinks is coffee and the only food he's been able to keep down is Jean's cooking.

"Do you have anything on...I don't know, a list or something you want to do before you die you want to cross off? We're free until your birthday." Jean brought up, finishing the last plate off in the sink, setting it up to dry. Armin shrugged.

"I've given up on a lot already if I'm being honest." Softly spoke the blonde, his ocean eyes staring at his dark reflection in his drink. He hasn't given hope, he still has hope he can do so much- he wants to do so much,  _ needs _ to- yet he knows time and money is something that's real, and there wasn't a lot you could do in the middle of Paradise. Sure, the trees were pretty this time of year, the water just cool enough to finally drink, the grass softer, the wind a bit more rough… he wanted to climb the tallest tree in all Paradise, stand at the top and scream to the sky, scream that he was alive and that he made it.

He wanted to go back and float down the streams like he, Mikasa and Eren used to do as kids. They would grab a leftover storage carton from one of the supply shops and hop into it, pushing themselves into the streams of Shinganshina and riding the turns and twists like it were a ride. Though maybe he'd do it himself, maybe he and Jean- Armin wrapping his arm around the brunette's waist as they moved along the water sounded like a dream.

Armin wanted to fly a kite so high the only thing keeping it from floating away was him, and even then, Armin wouldn't mind flying away with it only to never return. He wanted to find the tallest hill and roll down it like a child, he wanted to finally skip rocks against water, he wanted to learn how to whistle with his hands and call his horse correctly.

Though Armin wasn't picky, because even after all of that, he truly only wants one thing, and one thing only at this point. He wanted to not be a coward, not be a coward and finally tell Jean how he feels about him. Armin has loved him for years, since they were cadets he's had his eyes struck on the tall, lean soldier. He's not sure why he's never said anything, Jean has never seemed to push him away or ask him to leave him alone. 

What was stopping him?

"Damn, really? Everything? There's still so much we can do, y'know." Jean walked over to Armin, drying his hands off with a clean towel. Armin didn't bother to look up at him, his neck already screaming in pain from the slouched over position he was in. 

"I have maybe one thing, but I'm not sure if I should just keep quiet or not…" Armin hummed, tapping his fingers against the wooden table, reaching with his other hand to finish his cup of coffee. Setting the empty cup down again, Armin felt his eyes droop. "I mean, I'm going to die anyways, so why would I be scared if there was no regret afterwards? Well, I don't want someone alive to live on with part of the guilt."

"You've really thought about this, haven't you?" Jean chuckled, amused, this was Armin alright. As much as Bertl showed himself here and there, Armin still peaks over him throughout it all.

"Maybe I have." Armin couldn't help but smile, his cheeks getting tired and heavy the moment he did so. Though, despite the pain, Armin felt how genuine Jean was being, he was only trying to help a fellow grieving soldier out. 

"You wanna talk about anything?" Jean asked, leaning his head against his palm. Armin shrugged, but nodded his head slowly. 

"Yeah… I might not respond, but I enjoy your voice, so-" the blonde quickly shut his mouth after that, embarrassed he let that slip out so easily in front of his friend. Jean only chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Well then, you and many others it seems." The brunette leaned forward. "Mikasa the other day said she liked my singing voice, and I've been on edge ever since. She's been smiling more often, ever since I grew out my hair and started doing the dishes… I swear she's finally starting to like me."

Armin felt his heart stop, and started gripping the wooden table a bit tighter with his blunt nails, eyes almost falling completely shut. Jean noticed the sudden change, a curious glance hovering over as his expression until he showed a soft smile to the blonde.

"What? Do you think I don't notice you smiling more too?" Jean decided to bring that smile back, and for a quick second, it looked to be working as he saw a slight uplift in the corners of Armin's mouth. "I grew out my hair and I see you looking at it, is it that good lookin'? Think I can pick up more than just chicks?" 

That got Armin to laugh, finally looking up to playfully roll his eyes at his friend. "Your hair was always nice, Jean. Long or not it suits you, no matter what Eren said." 

"I'm glad you think so, you always were really good at style, so when you say something looks good, I know to trust you." Jean grinned, running his fingers through his ashy hair, giving it a small ruffle. With that slight grin, Armin felt like he found the meaning to life hidden behind those eyes, and he wished to capture the man in front of him and keep him hidden inside his heart forever.

"Hey Jean, do you think I can talk to you tonight?" 

Jean looked up at Armin curiously, but smiled and nodded without a second glance. "Of course! After dinner sound ok?"

"Yeah, meet me in my room please, it's something important."

  
  


Jean continued to aimlessly talk, making sure Armin had company and was comfortable, even making more coffee for him when he asked. It was almost too sweet to witness, yet for the ravenette peeping in on them, she could I my frown and sigh, knowing what must be done to protect her friend.

  
  
  


Armin was ready, he finally gained the courage to tell Jean how he felt. He was still in regular day clothing, his hair brushed, shoes off, and holding the conch shell he got from the beach that one day for courage. He practiced and recited every word in his head and what to say to Jean when he walked in. He knew what to say if Jean returned the feelings, if he didn't, if he did but accepted it as unreachable because of his early grave, any outcome, and timeline he was ready.

Except for this one.

Minutes passed, minutes went to hours, and Armin's smile fell from his face once the clock reached twelve. Though he wasn't so quick to give up. Jean had a horrible habit of forgetting things and would get so busy he would glance over things and wait until later. Armin thought it was no biggie, he could just tell Jean in his room.

As long as it was just them, he could confess and either stay, or leave.

Getting out of bed with a confident aura circling him, he grabbed his shell, placing it in his pocket as he walked down the hallways of their new barracks.

He locked his eyes onto Jean's door, his name and title hanging on a sign over the door proudly to show off his new title of commander. Armin wishes he could have seen "Arlert" heifenated in there someday, but he'll take what he can get. With a giddy smile, he quickly went to knock on the door before he stopped, hearing heavy breathing and a sudden gasp.

_ "S-Shit- Jean."  _

Armin's voice got caught in his throat,  _ he knew that voice _ . 

_ "That's right- fuck! Keep moving, keep moving-" _

That was Jean's voice… he could recognize his warm voice anywhere. He felt his legs shake and his hands come up to cover his coughs. His eyes watered and his neck tightened, he felt a cold chill run up his spine when he heard Mikasa's loud, obvious moan from the other side of the door- almost as if she  _ wanted _ Armin to hear.

" _ J-Jean- oh God Jean I'm cumming." _

Armin felt his skin heat up, backing away slowly, letting tears drip down his face as he kept reluctantly listening to his best friend and his crush go at it like animals.

_ "Damn, Again?" _

_ Again...how long have they been… _ Armin didn't want to hear anymore, before he could hear Mikasa's voice get louder, he covered his ears and ran. Despite his cover, he still was able to hear his childhood friend moan in ecstasy as she reached the edge  _ again _ with the man Armin loved. He ignored it as much as he could, continuing to run down the hall until he reached his room, slamming the door shut and locking it. 

Before he even had a chance to process what he had witnessed, he felt his mouth suddenly get moist, his saliva dripping down his chin in thick clumps. He didn't care as he only laid down in bed, letting his stomach release his dinner onto his bed. It was violent, puke spilling from his mouth and nose, making Armin convolse and shake with each hiccup and cough. His eyes watered, feeling blood vessels in his eyes pop and burn in his eyes. 

When he finally believed he was done, he felt his body fall weak, his arms crumbling in on themselves, legs tipping over and forcing the blonde to lay on his side. Armin tried his best to move away from his vomit, but the moment he fell onto his side, he lost feeling in his legs, the limbs no longer working. 

_ Is...is this is? I still have weeks! This can't be it, I haven't… _

Armin tried reaching for a bell, a book a flare gun, anything, just anything he could use to make noise and signal someone else, but as he tried rolling over, he noticed his arms refused to move. 

_ I haven't told him yet! _

Like a dying animal, Armin could do the only thing he could do now…

He screamed.

His scream was nothing close to pretty. It was guttural, painful, desperate, sounding as if only those damned to the boiling room of Hell could recognise as one of them. Armin was sure he felt something in his throat tear and rip, but he kept screaming until his throat was sore and his mouth went numb. He cried, begging for someone to hear him, they had to have heard him! There's no way they didn't!

_ Unless his screams were already muted to everyone else, only Armin being able to hear what he wish he could do _ .

  
  


"Why…? Armin coughed out, his eyes feeling woozy and his heart slowing down, his tears staining his cheeks.

"Every time you needed me Jean, I was there…" 

Armin glanced over at his door, seeing the light at the bottom of his door was as dark as ever...meaning no one heard him. His eyes closed, barely able to spill out his last words before his let out his last shuttering breath.

"Why couldn't you have been here for me at least once?"

  
  


Mikasa was the first to wake, quietly getting dressed as to not wake Jean up, still asleep in his bed, covers over his shoulders like a child. Mikasa would have smiled if she felt the need to.

She knows Armin found them last night, she was hoping he would. And as she put on her scarf, she struggled to find a hint of guilt in her body. 

Walking down to Armin's room, he easily picked the locked door, opening it up to the smell of blood and vomit, her childhood friend laying there in his deathbed, covered in sweat, dried tears and vomit staining his clothes and sheets.

"I'm so sorry Armin, I wanted to save you from a broken heart." She spoke into the room quietly, turning off the lights with a hushed voice. 

  
  


"He never loved you back, anyways."


End file.
